


Comedy Action P*rn

by chaoticautisticdumbgayenby



Category: Original Work
Genre: M/M, Multi, This is hot garbage but its hilarious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-14 20:00:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28676340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaoticautisticdumbgayenby/pseuds/chaoticautisticdumbgayenby
Summary: A gay clown goes to a 4-way in a Sephora bathroom and ends up killing a terrorist and gets new roommates
Kudos: 1





	Comedy Action P*rn

Marty the gay clown pulled up to Sephora in his clown car and he parked it in a spot. He got out and he looked at the ground, hornily.  
“I’m really horny.” He said aloud. The other people in the parking lot gave him a weird look, because that isn’t something normally said in a Sephora parking lot at 11:24 am, especially by someone in a full clown outfit and makeup. Marty walked in when he was greeted by a greeter person.  
“Hi there! Welcome to Sephora,” the greeter person said. The greeter got less weird looks than Marty did when he had made his statement because, again, one of those statements is one of horniness and the other is normal to make in a Sephora parking lot at 11:24 am.  
“Thanks, you too,” Marty said automatically. Marty the gay clown now had one more regret to add to his ever-growing list. Marty walked into Sephora and he felt kinda wobbily. He honked his clown nose and he felt better. He remembered the day he had gotten his heart removed to make room for a gun that only shoots dildos, pre-made balloon animals made from used condoms, and Capri Sun. He isn’t sure if having to honk his nose to circulate his blood was worth it for a dildo, used condom balloon animal, and Capri Sun gun. He was gonna just buy some clown makeup and leave, and not end up in the middle of an orgy in the Sephora bathroom. Not again. He wasn’t strong enough. Not after last time. He couldn’t handle the emotional toll another one would take on him.  
A mall santa walks up to him, which was somewhat unusual for February 29th, as the winter Jesus birthday holiday - he couldn’t remember what it was called - wasn’t for at least 2 weeks. He could be off by a bit on that, but he didn’t think it was for at least 2 weeks.  
“Hey, are you horny? Because I’m organizing an orgy. You want in? It’s gonna be in the boys’ restroom, 3rd stall.” The mall santa asked.  
“Yeah, I’m definitely in,” Marty said, immediately forgetting about how he didn’t want to have an orgy in a Sephora bathroom ever again. Marty turned and walked into the bathroom. He got in the second stall and remembered that the orgy was happening in the third so he got down and slithered into the third stall. This wasn’t ideal, as it was currently occupied by a police officer doing paperwork whilst shitting.  
“What the fuck is happening?” the police officer shouted. “Why are you slithering into another stall? How many stalls do you have to shit in before you’re done?”  
Marty stood up like he was a slinky being raised up by the top rim thingie. He was towering over this police officer who just wanted to propel shit directly into a toilet at unusually high velocities.  
“Oh, my bad. There’s gonna be an orgy in this stall later. You interested?” Marty asked, because he didn’t want to be rude and make this hard-working cop feel left out.  
“Uh, sure, why not?” The cop looked surprised but not freaked out. “Oh, by the way, my name’s Kelvin because it’s a unit of temperature measurement and I’m HAWT, it sounds like a combination of ‘Calvin’ and ‘Kevin’ and those were the names of the first two guys I fell in love with, and I’m a trans man. Are… Are you alright with that? With me being trans?”  
“I mean, my parents aren’t okay with trans people, the continued existence of racial minorities, or my career choices, but I’m okay with all three,” Marty said, making a small lie. His parents weren’t okay with his career, trans people, or racial minorities, and he was okay with trans people and racial minorities, but not his career. Clowning just didn’t make as much as it used to. The economic recession hit clowns particularly rough, similar to how a BDSM dom hits their sub who asked to eat something other than ass that day.  
Before Kelvin or Marty could say anything else, the stall door burst open and in walked the mall santa and the greeter.  
“Oh look, it’s the horny clown. Why am I not surprised that he’d be in the orgy?” the greeter asked, sarcastically.  
“Maybe because I loudly proclaimed my horniness in the middle of the parking lot. Do you think that might be it?” Marty asked, sincerely.  
“No, that can’t be it. I dunno. I’ll think about it later,” said the greeter, as he was now committed to this bit because nobody else recognized that it was a bit.  
“Okay, so do we want to go around and say our names and pronouns so we know how to refer to each other?” Kelvin asked.  
“Uh, sure. I’m Marty and I use he/him/his pronouns,” Marty said, somewhat surprised that there were icebreakers for an orgy in a Sephora bathroom.  
“Okay, whatever, I’ll go next. I’m Joseph, he/him/his again,” the greeter who was apparently named Joseph said.  
“I’m Alyx and I use they/them/theirs pronouns. I’m nonbinary.” The mall santa who was named Alyx said.  
“I’m Kelvin, he/him/his. Let’s fuck,” said Kelvin.  
After a few minutes of grunts, groans, and Twister-level body movements, the four of them were all in position. Joseph was sitting on the toilet seat, with his large peepee in between his legs and his hand on Marty’s nose. Marty had his hands on the toilet seat and knees spread on the floor, his mouth about to wrap around Joseph’s weewee. Kelvin was on the floor, Marty’s schlong in his mouth. Alyx was upside-down, with their mouth around Kelvin’s bussy and their fun-size “candy” bar in a condom in Marty’s bootyhole. Marty had offered the non-condomed people saran wrap and duct tape in lieu of a condom because he had it with him, but for some reason, they declined, and since nobody else had a condom and they were all horny, all four of them went to town on each other. To this day, Alyx and Kelvin both swear that they heard Marty moan “Oh yeah baby, honk my nose real good,” followed by Joseph muttering, “Life is a highway and I’m hydroplaning directly into the concrete.”  
After a few minutes, Joseph pulled out his phone to text a friend and brag about being the first person in the group to get their dick sucked in a Sephora bathroom stall because one of his friends had beaten him to ‘getting his dick sucked in Sephora’ and also beaten him to ‘get a lifetime ban from Sephora while getting your dick sucked in Sephora’s entrance,’ when he noticed the time.  
“Hey, guys -” Joseph started to say.  
“I’m not a guy.” Alyx tried to look sternly at Joseph but couldn’t because of his position in the group.  
“Hey, guys and Alyx, it’s 11:30 pm. And we all know what happens at Sephora at 11:30 pm.”  
“How the fuck did we spend 12 hours fucking in a stall and not notice?” Marty asked.  
“Muahahahehahaheha,” came a voice from directly outside the stall. All four of them stand up and pull their pants up and open the stall door. Standing in front of them is the infamous terrorist, Zombie-Vampire-Werewolf-Spider-Elmo-With-Teeth-And-Human-Eyes, or as the media calls him, “Bad Guy Elmo With A Long Name, 8 Legs, And Teeth,” or “BGEWALN8LAT” for short.  
“You can’t kill me!” BGEWALN8LAT boasted, “I can only be killed with some yummy cummies, and you’re all out! I’d tell you to pick a god and start praying, but it won’t matter because you can’t stop me!”  
Doing some fast thinking, Marty’s brain went into overdrive. BGEWALN8LAT could only be stopped with cum. Cum is found in the balls. Unless you fuck for 12 hours, then it’s not in the balls. Maybe it’s on the floor. A quick glance down showed Joseph eating the cum off the floor.  
“Don’t judge me, I’m hungry! And if I have to have a last meal, it might as well be cum.” Joseph shouted, embarrassed.  
Okay. Cum is not in the balls or on the floor. Where else is it found. Think think think think thinkthinkthinkthinkthinkthinkthinkthink. Used condoms. One condom between the four of them. Who used it. Not Joseph, his dick was in my throat. This may be the first and last time I regret swallowing. Not me. Not Kelvin, he doesn’t have a dick yet. Alyx. They used the condom. A quick side-eye showed Joseph drinking the cum out of Alyx’s condom. Goddamnit, Joseph, I want to live. Okay. Where else are used condoms or cum stored. Wherewherewherewherewhere. BGEWALN8LAT was walking forward slowly, menacingly. He felt his nose pounded harder and harder against his face. Okay. That got him thinking in the right direction again. But how to pull this move off…? Okay. Pretend to pledge allegiance to BGEWALN8LAT and cross his fingers over his heart. Plan is mediocre but if well-executed, could work. Time to initiate plan.  
“If you let me live, I’ll serve you until my dying breath, BGEWALN8LAT.” Marty said matter-of-factly.  
“Wait, what? I’m about to murder you in a Sephora bathroom stall and you wanna barter for your life? Do you even have enough money to make rent? I’m helping you out. You don’t have to pay rent or run into your ex at an orgy in a Sephora bathroom or talk to your parents if you’re dead.”  
Memories. Painful memories flooded Marty’s mind. He remembered how he felt, walking into the bedroom in his birthday suit, seeing the love of his life and their landlord already in the bed, in their own suits. He remembered tears and trying to talk to his love who answered every question with, “Well, how well can you provide? This gets us free rent! I wouldn’t *have* to if you were willing to talk to your parents every once in a while!” He remembered feeling belittled, betrayed, broken, awful, and guilty. He remembered hating that feeling and running away from it, like he’s always done, with his parents, with his ex, and when he tried to cheer himself up with an orgy at Sephora only to find out that his ex had also been evicted by the landlord, he ran. When his ex called him, trying to mend things, saying they hadn’t thought things through, apologizing, he just ran. He spent so much time running. Running is a form of self-preservation. Dying now would render all that time running pointless. Off-brand terrorist Elmo would die tonight and Marty would keep on running and living.  
“Cross my heart and hope to kill.” Marty said, pulling the gun out of where his heart should be and shooting a balloon animal made of used condoms at the spikes on BGEWALN8LAT’s legs and watching the cum dribble down Elmo’s leg. Marty watched as the terrorist died, dialing the police.  
“Hi there, I was having an orgy at Sephora and killed BGEWALN8LAT. Can you come get his corpse? Yeah, the one on Main Street. Third stall, men’s room. Thanks. You as well.”  
Marty decided, there and then, that while surviving was great, thriving was better. And it’s hard to thrive without people you trust by your side. He needed a new family, and maybe these 3 did, too.  
“Do you guys want to get an apartment together?” Marty asked.  
Alyx said, “Sure, why not. Sounds fun.”  
“Yeah, I need to get a new place anyways. My landlord is super transphobic,” said Kelvin.  
Joseph said, “If I say yes, do I get to eat more cum?”  
Marty and Alyx agreed to provide Joseph with all the cum they could feasibly give him, and the four of them walked out of that Sephora, the start of something new, something beautiful, something polyamorous.  
Marty wanted to sprint back inside the Sephora to steal clown makeup while nobody could stop him, but he didn’t want to run. All four of them exchanged numbers and started looking at apartments together, and lived happily ever after.


End file.
